Satire | Needed: Licence raj for stand-up comedians

The government of India has done well to create a vibrant economy that offers few career options for our youth. It has been highly successful in destroying tens of thousands of micro, small, and medium enterprises. Yet inexplicably, it is struggling to kill comedy, a peewee industry of paavam micro-entrepreneurs trying to make a living from poor jokes.

Still, as any comedian out on bail will tell you, joking in India is no joke. We do have in place an informal ecosystem for regulating stand-up comedy. There are hundreds of Senas and Dals who are already doing a fantastic job. But they typically intervene post-facto — after the joke has been told. Even when they take preventive action by getting a show cancelled, it is too late, for by then the individual has already made a name for himself as a comedian. What we need is a mechanism to filter out the ineligible right at the entry point. Like we do with other well-regulated fields such as real estate.

For instance, you cannot become a builder or even a broker if you’re too scared of black money. Similarly, you cannot become a doctor unless you have cleared MBBS or paid a decent sum for the NEET question paper, or at least established yourself as a respected quack. We have a similarly rigorous evaluation system for start-up co-founders, gangsters and sniffer dogs but none for stand-up comedians. Anyone who thinks he’s ‘got latent’ can set up shop as a comedian. This laissez-faire approach has to stop. There’s only one way to ensure it does: a licensing system for stand-up comedians.

Regulating comedy

I’ve already prepared a draft Bill. Once passed, it will be known as Vidushakon ka Panjikaran, Anugyaapan evam Viniyaman Adhiniyam 2026 (English translation: Registration, Licensing and Regulation of Clowns and Jokers Act, 2026). Under this law, any Indian who wants to perform stand-up comedy will first have to prove that he is a citizen of India. If he seriously believes he can do that, he should register himself with the Central Board of Comedy Certification (CBCC), which will be the nodal body for regulating comedy shows.

Wannabe comedians must submit online applications for a stand-up licence at the CBCC portal. Applicants found eligible will receive, by registered post, the hall ticket to appear for the Stand-Up Entrance Test (SUET). The SUET will be conducted twice a year by the globally reputed, highly credible exam-administering body, the National Testing Agency. Candidates who get 100/100 in SUET will need to upload their mark sheets on the CBCC portal, along with a fresh application form and all the specified supporting documents.

The second round of applications will be scrutinised by the designated authority in the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting, after which it will go for approval to the Ministry of Home Affairs, the Commerce Ministry, the Ministry of Water Resources, Ministry of Cooperation, and Ministry of Non-cooperation. Once cleared by all of these, the comedian will be invited to perform at the PMO. If the PMO gives clearance, he will be issued a Unique Stand-up Performance Identification number (USTUPID), which will make him eligible to perform anywhere in India (or abroad) without the hassle of seeking a fresh license or police permission in every state.

Show your ID card

But USTUPID-holders, before every performance, must deposit their passport and driving licence at the local police station. If they are performing abroad, they must deposit their passports and luggage at the nearest Indian embassy. And one more thing: they may receive compensation for comedy work only through an account opened for that purpose at the Nanganallur branch of the State Bank of India.

The USTUPID will be valid for 48 hours, after which the artist must log in to the CBCC portal and get it renewed for another 48 hours, and repeat this every 48 hours for the rest of his professional life. Non-renewal of USTUPID will result in its automatic cancellation, and if that happens, a comedian must wait for three years before being eligible to apply again. Any comedian without a valid USTUPID who is found giving a public or private performance, either offline or online, or found laughing to himself at a joke he cracked in his own mind, will be prosecuted under the UAPA, PMLA and YOLO.

If the above regulatory provisions are implemented in toto, I have no doubt even Gen Z will drop the idea of stand-up comedy as a career option. But the million-dollar question is this: Does India have the political will to pass this law?

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.